“Let’s Go Stalking!”
Some things in my life have been difficult to work through, some have been shockingly easy. I think when you’re so afraid to face something head on, your brain decides you don’t have to. My therapist said something like that, in reference to dissociation. Instead of feeling all of the emotions you’re experiencing, your brain just goes numb. It feels like it has to.
" Instead of feeling all of the emotions you’re experiencing, your brain just goes numb. It feels like it has to. "
Maybe that’s how i feel about this, or maybe i just genuinely never thought that she would take it far enough that i would be in danger. I don’t know if i am, or was, rather. Maybe it was just some kind of game.
I’ve been rewatching Pretty Little Liars on Netflix for the third or fourth time. For context if you’ve never seen it: a group of high school girls are stalked and threatened by an unknown predator. They experience invasions of privacy almost every day by someone they don’t know. This person always has a motive, although it changes a couple times in the show. It’s often called a game, and they’re dolls who have to play along. In the game, there are different places around town that are important, certain characters that hold influence and history and most importantly, relationships that must be tried over and over again for the stalker’s amusement.
The show ended again for me today, and I guess I can finally put into words what I’ve been trying to say since graduating high school. Why I always say that I hate my town, and I hate being home. Home isn’t the problem, really. It shouldn’t be.
I always just said that Wilmot made me nervous because i felt like someone was watching me, like people enjoyed knowing what was going on in my life. That always sounded weird to say though, because I’m no celebrity. I spent my graduating year trying to fly so low under the radar that I almost didn’t cross that stage entirely. I begged my parents to put me in a rehabilitation centre, but I knew that i hadn’t hit rock bottom enough for that.
" I spent my graduating year trying to fly so low under the radar that I almost didn’t cross that stage entirely. "
I spent my first year at university living at home. I felt partially attached to a new space but I was also stuck in and scared of my old space. It was hard enough to be scared to have my window blinds open at dark because my basement room felt exposed, but driving past her mom’s red SUV in town made my heart drop to my stomach each time too, even if it ended up being a kind senior waving thanks as I sat paralyzed, apparently letting him turn first.
One day I went outside to plant some new succulents and tropicals I had bought. I was walking into the garage from the front porch to get more soil. I don’t know what made me look up, call it intuition, but I saw her mom’s car drive right past my house with the drivers seat windows down. I saw her mom look at me, slowing creeping up the hill to get a good glimpse of me. I was immediately angry, and ran down my driveway to watch the car turn the corner off of my street.
i don’t know if she was in her car that day, but I know that this wasn’t the only time they did this and would do this. This was just the only time that I was around to see it.
“Who want’s to go stalking today?” Apparently this was her favourite hobby with friends. I guess her and her friend(s) would drive up my street like she often would with her mom, and see if they could catch a peak. I don’t know how far they ever went with this, maybe they got as far as my window a couple of times.
" I don’t know how far they ever went with this, maybe they got as far as my window a couple of times. "
I feel like this was a game to her, maybe it still is. There are certain places that hold history from high school, including the building itself, and I can’t help but feel uneasy whenever i step foot in them. There are certain characters, some that I love or have loved, that seem to have more power in the game than others.
And the relationships - so much pain came from loving and losing important people in my life, whether it was out of fear that I had made up myself, or fear that was genuinely there.
I don’t necessarily understand her motive to this day.
“You should have figured it out by now,” was always her response to me begging for an explanation as to why I was being treated this way. maybe I did deserve some pushback from her, I wasn’t perfect, but I’m radical enough to believe that no one deserves to be actually stalked.
Maybe I was never in danger and I’m so grateful for that. But my life isn’t a game, and I’m sick of the fear that this girl has brought me. She pushed me to feel so unsafe and insecure in my home, school and town. She tweeted about, texted about, shamelessly harassed and slandered me, even up until our graduation ceremony.
I had just gone up to the stage to receive a surprise award, and I was already dreading having to hear her whisper and snicker behind me. I went to sit back down at my chair and her feet using it as a footrest. I sat down without saying anything and she snaps, “watch it!” The irony of that statement is not lost on me.
For a person to know that, when you’re not paying attention, someone is watching you, is exhausting. To know that someone wants to know where you are and what you’re doing, is exhausting. It sits with you, always. It manipulates your decisions about where to go and when, even if you don’t want it to.
Truthfully, this is not a fair way for either of us to live. I hope that over the past few years it has stopped, and I hope this for the both of us. We don’t have the time on this planet to treat life like a game.
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