Twenty-Two
July 31, 2023.
I listened to a Reel audio a while ago about how critical one’s sense of adventure is to happiness. They credited feeling stuck in life to lacking adventure. It’s a really interesting thought.
I feel like 21 was full of adventure, but I didn’t see it like that, because I felt so overwhelmed by it. Last year of school, falling out with friends, attempting student housing alone, new therapy, dream internship, moving back into my small hometown that lacks any queer community - falling apart and picking up the pieces at least once every week in the midst of it all.
All of it is an adventure, every single day, to say the least. But I haven’t wanted to do it because instead, I’ve wanted some stability. Because, in being real with myself this year, I haven’t been secure enough in myself to be able to handle the adventures that life inevitably ropes us into. I’ve just been in so much pain.
Right as I type this, there’s a gorgeous little yellow goldfinch flying in circles above my head. It’s literally doing laps around our backyard, singing as it goes, feeling content with going absolutely nowhere. All this little guy has is himself, his voice & his tiny wings.
I’ve been trying to find myself, my voice & my wings this year. And significant wins that would mean very little to others but everything to me? I’ve had them. I can go for walks alone now. I can confront ghosts from my past now. I can track patterns of how I fall apart and what I need when it happens, now.
I might be just like that little bird spinning around in circles and singing at the top of my lungs, but I’m not yet enjoying it. 21 was about trying to find a way to feel secure, so I can feel safe enough to take it all in: the highs, lows, heartbreak and healing.
Adventure is everywhere. It’s terrifying and wonderful. It lives in the every-day.
My world at 22 is going to be about finding beauty in that, as I keep learning to make it feel safe. To keep feeling secure enough in myself that I can take on each adventure as it comes. And to be able to fly around in circles, singing loud and proud, going absolutely nowhere at all …just to enjoy the flight.
